Friday, July 13, 2007

dumps

as in - down in the...
or - on the way to being down in the...
or - thinking about how to avoid visiting the...

the past few days i've been having dreams about old friends. friends i don't know anymore - friends i wonder where they are and what they're doing. i think this has brought about a quasi-mourning to my system. mourning old friendships and relationships. my brain knows that people come and go in the course of one's life. my heart wishes that i was the kind of person who was good at staying in touch and working hard at keeping someone current to me - and hates that i'm not. i'm often lazy about it. but my heart swells when i think of some of these people - about how special they were to me for sometimes such silly reasons and sometimes not at all silly reasons and i wonder if i had kept up with them or tried to reconnect with them - if i could have the experience and the appreciation at the same time. how great that would be. but i know that they are different and i am different and any connection or relation would be different.

my dreams are very vivid. and they stick with me. and i wish i could shake them.

for the past couple days i've been slipping towards tears. the dreams. and commercials. even talk of little penelope potentially starting daycare - it hit me that she's growing up so fast. and her mom and dad are talking of moving to pursue grad school. which just makes life and adulthood seem very real and scary. it's a reminder that eventually paul and i are going to have to make some big decisions and those are extremely frightening to me.

so i feel it. i feel it physically. it's a lump in my throat. it's biting the inside of my mouth. it's having to slow my breathing. it's approaching like an asthma attack where you need to take control of yourself when it's so easy to panic instead.

i'm trying to tell myself to buck up, but this is one of those times that simply thinking of something that makes me smile - even the best picture of my adorable niece - gives just a tiny second of relief.

i'm antsy - i don't feel like knitting. and i don't feel like reading. watching t.v. just makes my mind wander. it's too hot to go for a walk. what's the point in cleaning or organizing.

the ennui has arrived and i know it's the precursor to a low. i don't like my lows.

so i'm trying to find a way to stop myself from falling in - because - doesn't it make sense that it's easier to not fall in than climb out?

okay - now i've written about it - maybe i can hold a train of thought for more than a few seconds now.

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